I’m Back

Image

Posted by: Gabe Goreham on: October 3, 2013

• In: Gabe Posts | Photos
• 20 Comments

Gabe at Global Mala, NJ 2013
photo by Jillian Pransky

Hello at last! This is my first update in about two years. I’m finally ready to share with all of you. I’m back!

The truth is that the full impact of losing both of my legs took time to hit my core emotionally. I have a really strong mind, and I relied on my mental strength to keep my hopes up in all kinds of ways after my accident.

In spite of all the support I had, somewhere inside I couldn’t fully accept how much I lost. It was too strange and devastating to let myself realize that I was never gonna dunk a basketball again or run around on the lawn, or carry groceries for my mom.

When I had to undergo revision surgeries to both of my residual legs, it didn’t go well. My body was not properly prepared for the surgeries to be successful, and the first wounds would not close. I had to go under the knife once again, and this time the surgeons cut more bone away and I lost more leg length. After keeping up my hopes for so long, this was too much for me. I had to face the pain of surgery all over again, and to seeing my body look permanently destroyed and different from everyone else. It was too much for me to really let in. No more working at Abercrombie or looking like the coolest guy around (even modeling in fashion shows!). I couldn’t figure out how to get any kind of job, since I always did physical work in the past, like construction, waiting tables or running around taking care of kids.  I couldn’t get my mind straight on how to go forward in my life.

All this lead me to go through some seriously hard times in the last two years. I chased distractions as long as I could, ‘till I finally fell into the dark and dangerous world of depression and pain medication abuse. I was determined to get off all pain meds when I was finally released from the hospital after my accident, and I was completely successful. But more than a year after that, the revision surgeries really took me down, and doctors gave me so many prescriptions for oxycodone, I became physically and mentally dependent. I was trying to fight off the pain and confusion in my body, heart and mind with these dangerous pills. They turned out to cause much more pain and confusion than I could ever imagine.

Opiate addiction is a very big problem today. The National Institute on Drug Abuse says at least 52 million people have used prescription drugs for nonmedical reasons. Users are getting younger every year. At least 1 in 20 high school seniors say they have abused Oxy. Money made by pharmaceutical companies selling opiate prescriptions more than doubled to reach more than 8 billion dollars a year. But these drugs are a very sharp double-edged sword that can cut fast and deep.

I didn’t even want to think about writing a blog post until I was ready to share some solid good news! Here’s the beginning of my good news these days:

I am extremely happy to say that I have been clean for 14 months, and my life has done a complete 180 turn around. I nearly died when I suffered the accident that cost me my legs. It was a miracle I survived. And now, it’s a big miracle that I have my life back after leaving opiate addiction behind.

After trying to overcome my addiction in different miserable and unsuccessful ways, I was fortunate to get a month’s addiction treatment at the Hanley Center in Florida, where my mind and body began to heal. I realized how addiction had been leading me to make choices that made my pain worse instead of better, and was badly affecting my life and the people who loved me.

After treatment, I stayed in a transitional living situation, where lots of people in recovery live together as they try to save and stabilize their lives. It’s sad, but a lot of people don’t stay clean. Many don’t even stay alive. In some ways this experience just brought me more trauma, because I witnessed lots of horrible behavior and even overdose deaths. But watching all the chaos around me helped me understand exactly how I did not want to be.

In April, I came back to New Jersey to clean up my life, and things are going so well! I have stayed clean, gotten super healthy (read more in my next post), started healing my relationships and I am back in college again, truly enjoying the challenge and my new-found ability to do well academically. In the past I struggled in school, but I earned a B+ average in the summer semester which gave me a lot of confidence in myself. In the past I always struggled in school, so I am so happy to see I can get good grades when I apply myself and give time to my studies. I am now in my second semester working towards a degree in Exercise Science. I love the subject and it is working into my life beautifully. (more on that in the next post, too!)

I couldn’t be more grateful to still be on this planet and still receiving the love and support I am so lucky to have. There are so many I am grateful to for all they have given me all my life, and especially during this time.

– I would like to thank Debi Walker for allowing me to stay with her while I was truly lost,  and for making the hard decisions that helped me so much. Thank you Debi.

– I owe so much to Gregory Frick who has helped emotionally logistically and financially. Greg has also been there for my mother who suffered during this period in my life more than any one, most likely more than even I did. Thank you Greg.

– I owe so much to my mother. She has always supported me in every way possible. If I listed all the ways she has made my life better, it would take a lifetime just to write! The biggest help she gave me during the terrible time of addiction and recovery was her unwavering belief that I could get better, and that there had to be a light at the end of the tunnel. She believed in me when many told her not to, that I was a lost cause and she was wasting her time or money to try to stick with me, and keep trying to help. I am glad to say I am making her proud now and have not only came back from rock bottom but am doing better in my life than ever before. This feels great for me to know I am in control of my life and that my mother’s belief in me has paid off and that she can start to be proud again. Thank you Mom.

I also learned to connect way more with God’s grace during my recovery, and I am so grateful.

My plan is to keep posting on my blog, and if you keep reading my posts, I think you’ll see that I’ve made a lot of progress. There is MUCH, MUCH more I want to do to make my life great and to make up for past mistakes and turn around any hurt feelings I caused anyone during my struggle.

I will continue to keep pushing forward and building my life into something I love, that is useful and helpful to others in some way. This will be a great pride for me and hopefully to all who love me and are there for me.

I can truly say, now, maybe more than ever before that the title of my blog is accurate – Gabe’s Alive!

Thank you for reading and caring.
May your day be great!

Gabe